Green leek
Mottil - Ja, Mame? Mottil - Yes, Mame?
Ich mach mir Sorgen. Ist alles okay? I'm worried about you! Is everything okay?
Es ist nichts passiert. Alles gut. Yes, nothing's happened. Everything's fine.
Hast du die Karotten? Und den Lauch? - Ja. You have the carrots? And the leek? - Yes, I have.
Ist der Lauch schon? Is the leek good?
Ja, sieht gut aus. Yes, it looks good.
Hast du einen frischen genommen? Did you pick a fresh one?
Der letztes Mal war ganz braun. Last time you picked one that was quite brown!
Gut, ich nehme einen anderen. Alright, alright, I'll get another one.
Ich warte! I'm waiting!
Ich komm schon. Bin schon da, ja. I'm coming. Coming already, yes, yes.
Wolkenbruch's Wondrous Journey
Mame! Du fahrst etwas zu schnell. Mame, Mame! You"re driving a little too fast.
Wir sind schon spat dran. Well, we're late already.
...into the Arms of a Shiksa
Hoffentlich hat es nicht wieder nur Ramsch. I hope there won't be only junk again.
Die Brockenstube ist schon voll davon. Our thrift shop is already full of them.
Neulich bei Goldsteins! Nur Ramsch! Last time, at Goldstein's, nothing but junk!
Aber du wolltest ja nicht mit. But you didn't want to come along.
Ich hatte keine Zeit. 1 didn't have any time.
Ich musste lernen fur die Prufungen. - Ja, ja. 1 had to study for my exam, Mame. - Yes, sure.
Komm schon! - Ich komme ja. Come on! - Yeah, I'm coming.
Guten Tag, Frau Freudenberg. - Guten Tag. Good morning, Mrs Freudenberg! - Good morning.
Guten Tag. - Kommen Sie herein. Good morning. - Come in.
Wie geht es lhrer Mutter? How's your mother?
Sie will nicht ins Altersheim. She doesn't want to go into the retirement home
Dabei ist schon alles organisiert. although everything's already organised.
Mame, wo sind die Sachen? Mame, where's the stuff?
Das zum Weggeben ist dort hinten. The things to give away are back there.
Na, komm schon. Come on now.
Ah, das ist also lhre Tochter, die Bracha. Ah, so this is your daughter, Bracha!
Ja, Bracha. - Guten Tag. Yes, Bracha. - Good morning!
Guten Tag, Frau Wolkenbruch. Good morning, Mrs Wolkenbruch.
Ah, guten Tag. Good morning.
Setzen wir uns doch erst mal. Now let's sit down first.
Unterhaltet euch mal schon. Have a nice little chat!
Mame, und die Sachen? Mame, what about the things?
Na, die holen wir jetzt. We're going to get them now.
I've baked the cookies myself.
Sorry...
My name is Mordechai Wolkenbruch, Motti in short.
My mother's name is Judith.
You've already met her.
And this, this is a shidduch.
An arranged meeting for the purpose of marriage.
They want me to get married at last.
There's a very clear scheme of life for Jewish men:
We are born,
get circumcised on the eighth day,
have our bar mitzvah at the age of thirteen
and later we marry a Jewish woman
who is as pious as we are.
And then it's time to make babies...
...one after another.
And in between, we work and pray,
become grandfathers and great-grandfathers,
until one day, we die
and the soul becomes bound up in the eternal bundle of life.
So it is written.
Everything's nicely laid out.
Whether you like it or not.
Schmeckt er dir? - Sehr, sehr gut. Do you like it? - Very, very much.
So ein susses Madchen! Und so hubsch! Such a nice girl! So pretty!
Eine richtige Schonheit. A real beauty!
Sie gefallt dir nicht? Don't you like her?
Ich weiss nicht... - Was weisst du nicht? I don't know... - What don't you know?!
Na ja, sie... Da war einfach kein Funke. Well, she... There was simply no spark between us.
Ah! Ein Funke! Wozu brauchst du einen Funken? Haha! No spark! What do you need a spark for?
Du brauchst eine Frau, keinen Funken! You need a wife, son, not a spark!
Und wie war der Schidech? So, Motti, how was the shidduch?
Sehr gut. It was very good.
Es war wie ein Uberfall. It was a bit of an assault.
Geht ja nicht anders bei dir! Can't be any other way with you!
Fur deine Brudern fand ich schnell eine Frau. For your brothers I found wives very quickly!
Fur jeden hat ein Schidech gereicht. One shidduch was enough for every one of the boys.
Ich mochte eine Frau, die mir so richtig gefalit. I want to marry a woman I really like.
Ach so! Der Herr Wolkenbruch hat Anspriiche! Well! Mr Wolkenbruch has pretensions!
Ja, schon. Yes, I do.
Selber ist er aber auch nicht der Kénig der Juden! But he isn't exactly the king of the Jews himself!
Wie meinst du das? What do you mean?
Uberleg, ob du I mean, just think
es dir leisten kannst, wahlerisch zu sein. If you can really afford to be so choosy?
Er wird schon ein Madchen finden. He will find a girl eventually.
Fiir dich suche ich keine Oh, 1 won't look for a wife
Frau mehr, undankbarer Langweiler! for you ever again! You are a nogoodnik!
Schon wieder eine Schadensmeldung von Hirsch. Yet another damage claim from the Hirschs.
Worum geht's denn dieses Mal? So, what's happened this time?
Den Kindern wurde ein Kickboard gestohlen. Their children's kickboard has been stolen again.
O weh! Sicher schon das zehnte Mal. This must be the tenth time.
Ich schaue nach, ob wir das noch bezahlen kénnen. I'll have a look in the policy if we can refund it.
Willst du noch Kaffee? - Nein, alles gut. Would you like another coffee? - No, I'm fine.
Du undankbarer Langweiler! You are a nhogoodnik!
The products on offer therefore depend on variables for the demand for goods.
Yes, please?
But a new offer can also kindle a demand
that doesn't exist yet?
Entschuldigung. Sorry.
Yes, of course. Take, for instance, smartphones.
When Apple launched their first devices on the market
there were no consumers for smartphones,
but suddenly... a highly attractive offer.
Sorry.
This is a shiksa. A non-Jewish girl.
And I like ... this shiksa.
Unlike the women my mother is introducing me to.
This is what is called, I think, a cognitive dissonance.
It's the result of the effect this shiksa has on me
and the fact that as a non-Jewish girl she may not have such an effect on me.
Yossi's recently explained cognitive dissonance to me
for he's studying psychology.
Good morning, Mr. Pissologist.
Same to you, pisser.
Yossi, again, what is cognitive dissonance?
A smoker suffers from it, for instance, okay?
He loves to smoke even though he knows that it's bad for his health.
And what does he do about it?
Well, he keeps telling himself
that smoking may be harmful to others but not to him.
And that he could stop any time.
And so he can go on smoking without bad conscience.
I've got to go.
Bleib gesund! Take care!
What could I tell myself in this case?
Maybe: This shiksa isn't really so attractive?
Or maybe: This shiksa isn't a shiksa at all?
Or maybe:
It's of no great importance to me whether a woman is Jewish or not?
Eine Schickse? Motti! A shiksa? Motti!
Da kommt sie ja! - Wer? Here she comes! - Who?
Was soll das schon wieder? - Das weisst du genau. What's this all about? - You know what it's about.
Das ist also lhr Sohn, der Motti. Ah! This is your son, Motti!
Und lhre Tochter Michal. Ein feines Madchen. And your daughter, Michal. What a nice girl!
Gib her! Nehmen Sie. Give this to me! Here, for you.
So, you're studying economy.
Yes.
And you sell insurances to Jews?
What else is there to say about you?
Well, I don't know. 1 find it quite hard to describe myself.
You aren't very good at selling.
Why? - Well, you're supposed win me over.
This is a shidduch!
1 think these meetings are...
somehow very artificial.
1 think so too.
I've already had nine this month.
Ich sieben. - Ach du meine Giite! I"ve had seven. - For heaven's sake!
Don't take this personally but...
this shidduch, it won't work for us two.
Well, I feel the same.
But...
We could simply pretend...
it's working?
- What? But why? - Then we'd finally have some peace from...
O je. Er verkackt's. He's messing it up.
Nein, er schamt sich nur ein wenig. No, he is only a bit embarrassed.
Well, I don't know ...
It was only an idea. Only an idea.
Although...
I could also do with a break from the shidduchs.
Really? - Yes.
Come on, let's do it.
My Mame is so desperate she will believe it on the spot.
Very good.
But really? - Yes, really.
Nun sag schon! - Ja... also... So, tell me! -Yes... well...
Was, also? Ja oder nein? Well what! Yes or no?
Sie ist in Ordnung. She, she ... she's fine.
Was? What!
Sie gefallt mir. 1 like her.
Fantastisch! Gewaltig! Wonderful! Tremendous!
Oh Motti! Das ist gewaltig! Oy Motti, this is... this is tremendous!
Welche Freude! Welches Gliick! What a joy! What happiness!
Mame! Pass auf! Ah! Mame, watch out! Watch out!
Meine... meine Birille. Oy, my glasses...
Mein armer Junge! My poor boy!
Mame, kein Problem, kein Problem. Mame, it's no problem, no problem.
Mame, ich hab... Mame I've...
Fucking shit!
Ein Deutscher! Sehr gut! Ah, a German! Very good!
Du freust dich? Du hast in sein Auto kaputtgemacht! Why are you happy? You wrecked his car!
Na und? So...?
That wasn't exactly good.
Selber schuld. Sie haben so blod gebremst. Your fault. You braked your car so idiotically.
Pardon?
Mame, es war unsere Schuld. Mame, it was our fault.
Yes, I would say so too!
Was fallst du mir in den Riicken? Why are you stabbing me in the back!
Listen, let's discuss this in peace. Let's first secure the accident site.
No, no. I'm calling the police.
Beschissener Idiot! Stupid idiot...
Bremst direkt vor uns! braking on me...
When a Jew needs a computer,
he goes to a Jewish computer store.
And when a Jew needs a car, he goes to a Jewish car dealer.
Who will most probably sell him a Toyota Previa.
Not a particularly nice car, but spacious.
By the way, the reason why so many Jews drive a Previa
is the eytse, the advice.
Jewish people are constantly giving each other eytses.
Ari, wenn du ein Auto brauchst, Ari, if you need a car,
kauf einen Toyota Previa. Ein gutes Auto. buy a Toyota Previa. It's a good car!
Wieso ein Previa? - Komm, schau. Why a Previa? - Well, look!
Er ist sehr gross. It's very big.
Ein Auto fur die ganze Familie! A car for the whole family.
And when a Jew needs new glasses, he goes to Sternlicht, the optician.
Das Modell Messina... The Messina frame...
Sehr elegant! Also very elegant!
Ich weiss nicht. I don't know.
Haben Sie noch andere Modelle? - Sicher. Haven't you got another frame? - Sure.
Sehr modern: das Modell Arik. Very modern. The Arik frame.
Modern, elegant...
Na ja, ich meine ein ganz anderes Modell. Nah, I mean a completely different frame.
Shulman, Norton, Lence.
May I? - Yes.
Here you are.
Now this really suits you.
Really? - Yes. Honestly.
May I perhaps offer you a little styling tip?
Regarding your beard?
What about it?
Was ist mit deinem Bart passiert? What happened to your beard?
Wieso verkauft dir Sternlicht solchen Dreck? Why did Sternlicht sell you that rubbish?
Ich war nicht bei Sternlicht. - Was? I didn't go to Sternlicht. - What?
Morgen gehe ich hin. I'll go there tomorrow.
Er soll mir sagen, He shall tell me
wieso er dir so eine schreckliche Brille verkauft. why he sold such terrible glasses to my son!
Ich mag diese Brille aber. I like them this way.
Ich gar nicht. I don't, not at all.
Weschabbas kodschecha, beahawoh,
uwerozojn hinchaltonu.
Baruch atta adonai, mekadesh haschabbos.
Amen.
Motti, was fur eine Brille hast du da? Motti, what glasses are you wearing?
Und ohne Bart siehst du aus With these glasses and without your beard
wie dieser judische Regisseur... you look like that Jewish film director.
Wie heisst er noch mal, Schloime? What's his name, Shloime?
Woody Allen.
Ja, genau. Wie Woody Allen. Right! Like Woody Allen.
1 think these glasses are funny.
Lustig? Ramsch mit Glasern ist das. Funny? That's nonsense with lenses!
Ich habe diesmal mehr Ol fur die Knddel genommen. I've put a bit more oil into the dumplings.
Habt ihr sie probiert? Have you tried them yet?
Wir probieren deine Knoddel doch jedes Mal. Oh Mame, we try your dumplings every time.
Although we should've learnt by now.
Thank you!
Judith hit the car of a German!
Nur weil Motti sagte, er habe sich verliebt. Just because Motti said he's fallen in love.
Masel tov! Motti! Erzahl schon! What, who? Michal? Mazel tov! Motti, tell us?
Hab ich nie gesagt... - In Michal. 1 didn't say that... - With Michal!
Iich habe nie gesagt, dass ich... 1 didn't say that I've fallen in...
Sag schon, wer ist sie? Motti, now tell us, who is she, huh?
Michal Siiskind heisst sie. Eine Schonheit! Her name is Michal Suskind. A real beauty!
Wir kennen sie liber die Honigblums. We know her through the Honigblums.
Mit ihrer Tochter war Motti im Kindergarten. Motti was in kindergarten with their daughter.
Waren das nicht die Tannenbaums? Weren't they the Tannenbaums?
Sie mischpuchologisieren wieder. You are tattletales.
Nein, iber die Honigblums. No, through the Honigblums.
Es waren die Tannenbaums. Mame, they were the Tannenbaums.
Nein, die Honigblums. Listen to me, they were the Honigblums.
Es waren die Tannenbaums. Mame, they were the Tannenbaums.
Du warst doch viel zu jung! You were much too young!
Er kann sich gar nicht erinnern. He can't possibly remember.
Zehn Schidechs hat's schon gebraucht mit Motti. It's taken more than ten shidduchs with Motti.
Was ist? What's up?
Gar nichts, gar nichts. Nothing, nothing at all.
Ich habe Fotos von Michal gesehen. I've seen pictures of Michal.
Mame hat dir die Bilder gezeigt? Did Mame show you the pictures?
Eine Schonheit! A real beauty!
Motti! Gratuliere! Motti! Congratulations.
Masel Tov! - Wieso? Wieso? Warum? Mazel tov! - For what? Why?
Na, zu Michal. Well, because of Michal!
How come you know this?
Oh please. We always know everything about each other.
Yes, obviously.
You don't look very elated.
No, she ... She's nice.
Nice?
Nett ist die kleine Schwester von beschissen. Nice is the little sister of crappy!
Well, it's still new ... See you.
Bleib gesund, ja? - Ja, ja. Take care, okay? - Yes, yes.
Is this seat taken? - No.
Good morning ladies and gentlemen.
Shit, I forgot my notebook.
Here. - Thank you.
"Men wejs nischt, wus wet geschejn."
What does it mean?
You never know what will happen.
Is this Yiddish?
Wolkenbruch Insurances.
Do you work there?
Yes, my father owns the company.
What sort of things can you insure?
"Es gibt nischt, wus man garnischt ken nischt farsichern!"
There's nothing you cannot insure?
Yay, I know Yiddish!
Dear Sir and Madam, may I ask you to drop
your spring fever till after the lecture?
Thank you.
Laura, by the way.
Mordechali.
Mordechai. But everyone calls me Motti.
Motti. My Yiddish isn't that good yet I think.
Maybe you can teach me some more later. Okay?
Yes. Yes, gladly.
Would you like to go for a drink?
Yes.
The women I usually meet they have a really big tocheSSS.
Depending on how you pronounce this word,
it says a lot about the size of that part of the body.
My Mame, for instance, she has a tocheSSS.
And this here ...
this is a toches.
Thank you.
Cheers.
This is my favourite drink.
Mine too.
Cheers! - Lechaim!
What?
Lechaim. It means "to life" in Hebrew.
Okay. Lochaim.
This isn't your favourite drink at all!
Why not? Of course it is!
Did you look at my butt
when we were riding on our bikes?
Pardon me, what?
Don't you understand the question?
What's butt in Yiddish?
Toches.
Toches?
Did you look at my toches?
Yes.
And are you allowed to?
No, I'm not. I'm, Pm sorry, I...
No, no. Not because of me.
I mean if a Jewish man and a non-Jewish woman...
Is there a word for a non-Jewish woman?
Shiksa. - Shiksa?
Shiksa, okay.
So: Are you allowed to look at the toches of a shiksa?
And to drink alcohol with her?
No, I'm not allowed to do any of this.
Is this why you didn't shake my hand?
Exactly.
Mr Wolkenbruch hasn't much experience with shiksas yet, huh?
Well, I...
It's okay, let's have another two lochaim.
Sam, two more please!
So tell me, what's that? - What?
The spaghetti on your pants.
This? - Yes.
Tzitzit. - Tzitzit?
It was fun with you. But the shiksa has to go home now.
Flatmates' dinner.
Let's do this again sometime, okay?
Ehm, yes ...
I don't know if I can.
Those who can't, don't want to.
Bye!
Ramsch, Ramsch, Ramsch, alles nur Ramsch. Rubbish, rubbish... Nothing but rubbish!
Was ist mit dir? Du siehst schrecklich aus. What's happened to you? You look terrible.
Gar nichts. Ich war gestern noch was trinken. Nothing. I went out for a few drinks last night.
Etwas viel, wiirde ich meinen. Mit wem? A few too many I think! With whom?
Mit einem Studienkollegen. With a colleague from university.
Mit einem Goi? - Ja. With a non-Jewish? - Yes.
Bist du verriickt geworden? Wenn dich jemand sieht! Are you crazy? If someone sees you!
Wehe, ich hore, dass du When I hear you went with non-Jews
bei den Schicksen warst... to the shiksas...
Was muss ich noch erleben™?! What shall ll live for?!
Mame, ich muss los. Tate sagte, Mame, I have to go. Tate told me
Frau Silberzweig habe ein besonderes Anliegen. that Mrs Silberzweig has a certain request.
Wann siehst du Michal wieder? When will you meet Michal again?
Ich weiss es noch nicht. I don't know.
Was? Will sie dich nicht mehr sehen? - Doch, doch. Doesn't she want to see you anymore? - She does.
Wir haben nichts vereinbart. We just haven't set a date yet.
Kein Wunder, will sie nicht. Mit dieser Brille! She doesn't want to see you with these glasses!
Mame, was ist? Mame, what's the matter?
Was soll ich bloss mit dir tun? What shall ll do with you?
Friiher warst du so ein lieber Junge! You used to be such a good boy.
Und jetzt machst du mir das Leben schwer. And now you are making my life so hard.
Man sieht sich spater. See you later.
Guten Tag, Herr Wolkenbruch. Good morning, Mr Wolkenbruch.
Guten Tag, Frau Silberzweig. Wie geht es lhnen? Good morning, Mrs Silberzweig. How are you?
Oh well, the way you are when you're going on to 30.
Come in!
So, my dear ...
We don't have much time left.
Why? Do you have to leave?
You could say so.
I have cancer. Stage 4.
I'm sorry, ll...
Das muss es nicht. Ich habe ja geraucht, nicht Sie. You don't have to be sorry. I smoked, not you.
I've thought about donating ambulances
to the Land of Israel.
Can you organise that?
Yes, of course. We'll be happy to do this. It's a nice idea.
How much does that cost?
Close to a hundred thousand dollars.
Then I'll donate 20. 40.
207? 40! Write it down.
40 ambulances for Eretz Yisrael.
And one or two kindergartens
with healthy food.
Ill draw it up with Tate and then I'll come back.
Good, good.
But what are we going to do with you, Mr Wolkenbruch?
What do you mean?
Well, you are a nice young man.
Don't you have a girlfriend?
No. No, not yet.
Come with me.
Come on.
Choose three cards.
Past, present, future.
Oy vey! - What? What?
The scythe signifies unexpected developments,
the child a young, unfettered woman
and the two owls signify exciting times.
Who's the woman?
Young man you have to tell me that!
Haven't you met a young woman lately?
Yes, about ten.
Ten!
Ten, Wolkenbruch. Ten!
Hello, Mr Wolkentoches. - Hello.
- Would you order a coffee for me too, please? - Yes.
Two. With sugar? - Right.
So is this fine?
What?
Well, this here. Drinking coffee with the shiksa.
Yes. Yes, this is okay.
Probably.
You're really a wondrous guy.
What do you mean?
Oh, I have to go. Work.
Where do you work?
At the Flamingo. It's a music bar.
You could drop in some time.
Bye.
Bye...
Who was that?
Who was what?
Well, the shiksa who was just sitting here with you.
Ah, her! She's just a fellow student.
Yes, many shiksas are fellow students.
But you don't have coffee with any of them.
Better start smoking than having coffee with shiksas. It's healthier.
Just saying...
fellow student, ha!
A gin tonic!
That was quick, coming to drop in. - Yes.
Do you like it? - Yes.
It's very busy today. - Yes.
Yes? Okay, Mr Wolkenbruch.
Give me your phone.
Okay, now I have you too.
Call me! Lochaim!
What would my mother say if ll brought Laura home??
Mame! Ich hab jemanden mitgebracht! Mame! I've brought someone!
Ah! Na, kommt herein! Ah! Come in!
Mame, Laura. Laura, Mame.
Hello Mrs Wolkenbruch!
Motti... Eine Schickse! Motti... A shiksa!
Du... Ich bring dich um! You... I'm gonna Kill you!
Mame, das ist fir Milchiges! Mame, this is the wrong one.
Was? - Das Messer ist nicht fur Fleischiges. What? - This knife is for milk not for meat.
Ah, stimmt. Ich bring dich um! Ah, true. I'll kill you!
Mame! Mame, was tust du? - Telefon. Mame! Mame! What are you doing?! - Telephone!
Ich hab deinen Pimmel schon oft gesehen! I"ve seen your willy a thousand times.
Michal ist am Telefon. Michal's on the phone.
Sie will dich treffen. You're to meet her.
Ich sagte ihr, dass du heute Zeit hast. I told her you've got time this afternoon.
Hello?
Motti? It's Michal.- Yes, I know.
Are you busy this afternoon?
No.
Er kommt. He will come.
Ich brauche kein Taschentuch. Mame, I don't need a hanky.
Es ist kalt draussen. - Es ist Sommer! It's cold outside. - It's summer!
Man kann sich auch im Sommer erkalten. You can catch a cold in summer too.
Oder Nasenbluten bekommen. Or get a nosebleed. No?!
Motti, look at you!
I had an accident. - Yes, so I see.
No, with the car.
My mom crashed our car when I told her that we...
that we're going to marry.
Yes, my mom is also over the moon.
She's already getting congratulations from Paris and London.
Oy vey...
I'm not sure if our idea was so good after all.
Everything okay with you?
Mh. Come, let's sit down. - Okay.
Da, er verbockt es wieder! Look, he is messing it up again!
Nein, schauen Sie! No, look!
Come on, tell me, what's wrong?
...I'v e.
Well, I've...
What's her name?
Laura.
What, Laura?
I'm sorry but... Are you telling me you're in love with a shiksa?
Yes.
Oy vey.
Yes, oy vey.
Das haben wir gut gemacht. - Masel Tov! See, we did a great job! - Mazel tov!
It is quite clear what the Iranians have in mind.
- They just want to play for time. - That's not clear at all.
Just because Netanyahu said so doesn't mean it's the truth.
That's information from the secret service, from the Mossad!
Have you read this information? Are you on their mailing list?
Nice to see you yesterday!
Don't make fun of this!
Oh, pardon me, Mr Director Mossad.
Motti, do you already have a wedding date?
- What? - Yes, on my birthday.
I managed to prevail over Mrs Siiskind.
I've already invited everyone.
Also the Bernsteins from London!
Oh vey, Judith's birthday.
Der traurigste Tag meines Lebens. The saddest day of my life.
Well, I am looking forward to that day!
In meinem Leben wird es der gliicklichste Tag sein. It will be the happiest day of my life!
Well, but it's still ... we haven't decided yet ...
Du bist ja schon betrunken. You're already drunk.
Moische, nimm ihm den Wein weg. Moishe, take the wine away!
Let him be!
After all, my son-in-law also has to put on the wine goggles time and again.
Thank you!
And when shall we finally meet Michal?
You could invite Michal to our shabbat dinner sometime!
What? - Yes, Michal has time.
1 called her mother today.
But... but that won't work.
Wieso nicht? Why not?
- Because we're not getting married! - Ah, don't talk rubbish!
That's quite normal for a young man before taking such a step.
You will quickly get used to being married.
Michal and I just pretended we were going to get married!
Ach was! Yeah, right!
Yes! To finally get some peace from this shidduch terror!
Judith! Sag etwas! - Mame! Judith, say something! - Mame? Mame!
Mrs Wolkenbruch! Can you hear me?
Judith! Sag etwas! Judith! Say something!
Do you have any pain?
Yes. - Where?
In my heart.
Can you get up? - No!
I want to die.
Geben Sie mir etwas zum Sterben. Give me something to die.
Ein Gift! A poison!
Oh, yes! But a double dose! She's tough!
And when a Jew is at a loss in his life,
he asks his rabbi for advice.
Na, wo ist der meschigeneh Junge? Now, where's the crazy boy?
So you don't want to marry?
Yes, actually I do...
But not the women you're meeting here.
Well... no.
Why not?
1... well...
I know what we'll do with you.
What?
Do you know the Israeli women?
No, not really.
I got my wife from there too.
Well, the Israeli women...
Eine Freude! A pleasure!
We're going to send you to Eretz Yisrael.
To my dear friend Jonathan.
Fly there and fall in love.
This is my rabbinic advice.
Du fliegst morgen Mittag. You're going to fly tomorrow noon.
Ich bugle noch deine Hemden. I'll iron your shirts.
Da, noch ein Taschentuch. - Er hat schon welche. Take another hanky. - But he's already got several.
Und wenn er eins verliert? What if he loses one?
Dann habe ich noch drei, Mame. I'll still have three, Mame!
Jetzt muss ich dir noch eins geben. Now I'll have to give you another hanky.
Komm nicht zuriick ohne Madchen. And don't come back without a girl!
Pass auf dich auf. Und jetzt geh. Take care. Now go.
Schalom. Be welcome.
Schalom, und du bist? Be welcome. What's your name?
Mordechali.
Ich bin Jonathan, Mordechai ... I'm Jonathan.
Und das ist Malka, deine Aufseherin. And this is Malka, your supervisor.
Quatsch, das ist meine Frau. Just kidding, she's my wife.
Komm rein. Please come in.
Magst du was essen? Would you like something to eat?
Nein danke, ich bin miide. No thanks, I've already eaten. I'm a bit tired.
Also gut. Well then, come.
Hier ist dein Zimmer. This is your room.
Dann wiinsch ich dir eine gute Nacht. Have a good night.
Gute Nacht. - Gute Nacht. Good night. - Good night.
Feel like a lochaim?
I'm in Israel.
I'm in Israel for business.
I'm in Israel for business. See you soon.
Bereit fir die Schidechs? So... are you ready for the shidduchs?
Fur heute haben wir fiinf organisiert. We've organised five for today.
Oder sechs? Or six?
Jetzt hor schon auf. Please stop!
Keine Sorge, Motti, Don't worry,
wir glauben nicht an Schidechs. we don't believe in shidduchs.
Jitzhak Satyananda sagt: Yitzhak Satyananda says:
"Plane nicht, empfange!" "Don't plan, receive!"
Jitzhak wer? Yitzhak who?
Wir haben uns vor einem halben Jahr We joined his community
seiner Gemeinde angeschlossen. six months ago.
Jitzhak verbindet die jlidische Lehre Yitzhak combines our Jewish precepts
mit den Prinzipien des Tantra und des Yoga. with the principles of tantra and yoga.
Om Schalom bedeutet: "Om shalom"” means:
"Friede in allem." "Peace in everything."
Ich wiirde gern I'd love to talk
meinem Freund Rabbi Wolf davon erzihlen. about this with my friend Rabbi Wolf.
Aber ich befiirchte, er wiirde es nicht verstehen. But I fear he cant't handle it.
Darum habe ich einfach mitgespielit, That's why I've played along
als er mich angerufen hat. when he asked me for help.
Wir meditieren gleich, mach doch einfach mit. We're going to meditate. Join in.
Ich habe dir Yoga-Kleider aufs Bett gelegt. Fresh yoga clothes are on your bed.
Wir reisen heute gemeinsam durch die Chakras. Today, we'll journey through our chakras.
Das Chakra... - Wohin reisen wir? The chakra... - Where are we going to?
Nirgendwohin. Die Chakras sind Nowhere. Chakras are
Energiezentren in unserem Korper. energy centers in our body.
Das erste Chakra ist das Wurzelchakra. The first chakra is the root chakra.
Es ist unsere Verbindung zur Erde. It is our connection with the earth.
Konzentriert euer Herz auf diesen Punkt. We're focusing our hearts on this chakra now.
Das zweite Chakra ist das Sakralchakra. The second chakra is the sacral chakra.
Hier sitzt die Sexualitat. This is the dwelling place of sexuality,
Laut Jitzhak Satyananda says Yitzhak Satyananda.
Ist sie das Tor zum Weltfrieden. It is the gateway to world peace.
Atmet tief ein... Let's take a deep breath in...
und aus. and out.
Das dritte Chakra ist das Nabelchakra, The third chakra is the naval chakra.
Das Zentrum von Durchsetzungsvermoégen The centre of determination
und Mitgefiihl. and compassion.
Vergiss nicht, dass du dir And always remember
deine Mutter vorgeburtlich ausgesucht hast. you chose your mother before your birth.
Das ist ein Seelenvertrag zwischen euch, There's a contract between your souls
den du erfiillen musst. that you have to fulfil
Hallo. Freut mich. Ich bin Jael. Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Jael.
Ich hab Lust auf ein Bier. Magst du Bier? I want a beer. Care for one too?
Ja. Yes.
Ich... hole... Schuhe. Just a second, the shoes...
Okay. Ich warte draussen. I'll wait outside.
Vergiss nicht, dass du dir deine Mutter... Esther, remember you chose your mother...
Bist du fur die Feiertage nach Tel Aviv gekommen?? Did you come to Tel Aviv for the holidays?
Danke. Thank you.
Nein. Ich soll hier eine... No. ll should choose a...
Konigin finden. a queen here.
Eine Konigin? A queen?
Nein. Frau meinte ich. Well, I mean a bride.
Eine Frau. Hier? Prost! Here? Really? Cheers!
Eine Frau? Hier? Wer sagt das? Who told you so?
Unser Rabbiner und meine Mutter. Our rabbi... and my mother.
Oh, das hort sich aber ernst an. Wow, that sounds serious.
Und was fur eine Frau suchst du denn?? And what kind of woman are you looking for?
Keine Ahnung... I"ve no idea...
Einigermassen hubsch sollte sie schon sein. 1 think she should be pretty.
Das ist klar. That's clear.
Und wetter? What else?
Ihr zweites Chakra sollte faktiv sein. Her second chakra should be factive.
Faktiv? Factive?
Aktiv! Active!
So stimmt es. Very well...
Sehr gut. Dann schauen wir, Let's see
ob wir hier so eine fur dich finden. If we can find such a woman for you here.
Nein... Why, no.
Also gut. Well, fine.
Eine Flasche Arak. A bottle of Arak.
Vergiss die. No, forget that one there.
Bei der ist das Herzchakra blockiert. Her heart chakra is blocked.
Du brauchst eine mit offenem Herzchakra. You need one with an open heart chakra.
Stimmt so. Danke. Keep the change. Thank you.
Ich glaube, 1 think
hier finden wir heute keine mehr fur dich. we won't find anyone for you here today.
Egal. Never mind.
Hier nimm, das hilft. Take this. It helps.
Wofir? Helps with what?
Gegen die Enttauschung. Helps fight the disappointment.
Okay.
Was ist das? - Arak? What is it? - Arak?
Das inoffizielle Tor zum Weltfrieden. The unofficial gateway to world peace.
Was dagegen, wenn ich die Flasche leer trinke? Do you mind if ll empty the bottle?
Klar hab ich was dagegen. Of course I do!
Hol dir das Flaschchen! Get the bottle!
Hier ist es. Here it is.
Also gut. Okay.
Hier, nimm den letzten Schluck. Here, take the last sip.
Komm schon. Come on.
Nimm hier. - Danke. Drink it. - Thank you.
IIch glaube, ich sollte dann mal zuriack. 1 think I should be going back.
Du solltest wohl eher mal vorwarts, 1 think you should better be going ahead.
Sisser. Sweety.
Mitzi! Kitty!
Nein! Bitte keine Katze, oder? Oh no! Please no cat...
Alles gut... Sorry, nothing's happened, all good!
Alles gut bei dir? Are you okay?
Ja. Yes.
Gut... Good...
Dann kann's ja weitergehen. Then we can start.
Rabbi Wolf was right.
There are real beauties in Israel.
Motti, da sucht dich jemand! Motti, someone's looking for you!
Fir mich? For me?
Es ist deine Mame. Sie sucht dich. It's your Mame. She's looking for you.
Willst du nicht mit ihr sprechen? Soll ich...? Don't you want to speak to her? Shall 1...7?
Nein! No!
Ja, Mame! - Mein Mottele! Yes, Mame. - My Mottele!
Was machst du? Wie ist das Wetter? What are you doing? How's the weather?
Prachtig... Brilliant of course...
Ich bin doch in Eretz Israel. I'm in Eretz Yisrael.
Hast du schon ein Madchen getroffen? Have you met a girl already?
Yes.
Was? Tolll Wunderbar! Wie heisst sie? What? Excellent! Wonderful! What's her name?
Sie heisst Jael. Her name's Jael.
Bring sie heim! Ich bezahle ihr den Flug! Bring her home! I'll pay the flight!
Ich weiss nicht, ob das geht... I don't know if that's possible...
Erzahl keinen Unsinn! Don't talk rubbish!
Moment, Mame. Einen Moment. Give me a minute, Mame. Give me a minute...
Sag mal, was ist das hier eigentlich? Say, what is this?
Was? Pardon?
Na das, was wir da haben. Well, this... between us two...
Wir werden ja wohl nicht heiraten... l know we're not going to get married...
Ah. Ach so. Nein. Nein. Oh, I see! No. No!
Ein Fick. Just a fuck.
Ein guter Fick. A great fuck.
MottiZz Was fir ein Larm ist das? Motti? What's that noise?
Jael sagt, ich kann sie nicht heimbringen. Mame, Jael says I can't take her home with me.
Warum nicht? Why not?!
Sie sagt, es ist... She says it's... ehm...
Was sagt sie? Was? What did she say? What?
Sie sagt, es war nur ein Fick. She says it was only a fuck.
Two, actually.
Du Schwein! You dirty pig!
Scham dich! Shame on you!
Bist du verriickt geworden? Are you crazy?!
Tel Aviv ist ein Schandhaus! Ein Schandhaus! Tel Aviv is a disgrace! A disgrace!
Ein Bordell! A brothel!
Diese Jael ist verdorben! And that Jael is a sordid girl.
Und Tel Aviv ist ein Schandhaus! Ein Bordell! And Tel Aviv is a disgrace. A disgrace! A brothel!
Trips to Eretz Yisrael usually boost the morals.
Very beautiful women there too!
Das ist lhre Antwort? This is your answer?
It was worth a try, I think.
What do we do now?
Trust.
In wen? Whom?
Moishe, we're leaving. - Judith, now wait...
Und die Gemeinde wechseln wir auch. And we'll find another community!
Bringt nichts. Ist derselbe Gott. Won't make any difference. It's the same God.
Shalom Alechem. - Alechem Shalom. Shalom aleichem. - Aleichem shalom.
Was macht ein Jude in solchen Klamotten? What's a Jew doing in such clothes?
Er schleppt sich, er schileppt sich. Shlepping, shlepping.
Wondrous Mr Wolkenbruch, are you back yet?
Yes, just landed. Do you have time tomorrow?
Ist das die Nutte? Is it the slut?
Vom Bordell? From the brothel?
Aus dem Schandhaus? From the disgraceful place?
Verdorbenes Madchen! Sordid girl!
Judith, wir sind wieder da! Judith, we're back!
Wir? Wer, wir? We? Who is we?
Me and Motti!
Ich kenne keinen Motti. I don't know any Motti!
Ach, red nicht so! Ah, come on, don't talk like this.
Ah, this Motti.
Wie ein Papagei sieht er aus. He looks like a parrot!
Am Schabbat ziehst du was anderes an. - Warum? Wear other clothes for the Shabbat. - Why?
Michal kommt zum Essen. Michal is coming for dinner.
Aha ... the owls.
Which owls?
The card for exiting times!
Wolkenbruch, come in.
Past.
Present.
Future.
There's your lady again. Or is it another one?
The ship. You've travelled.
And the coffin?
What does it mean?
Something's coming to an end.
Or has already ended.
But you know how it is with doors,
one door closes, another opens.
Hi. This is a real Wolkenbruch! (cloudburst)
Yes, how are you? - Fine. And you?
Gin tonic? - Yes, great.
Two gin tonic.
How was Israel? - Good.
Did you get these clothes there? - Yes.
They don't look very kosher.
No, no.
What does your mom think about them, Mr Wolkenbruch?
Ah, she doesn't take this too seriously, she's rather liberal.
Okay. Lochaim to the liberals.
Lechaim.
Lechaim? - Yes, it's lechaim.
Did I say it wrong the whole time? - Yes.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I thought it was... quite cute.
Cute?
But I don't want to be cute.
What then?
I can't really say just now.
Those who can't, don't want to?
Okay...
Lovable.
Lochaim to lovable!
What's drunk in Yiddish?
Shickered. - Shickered?
I'm completely shickered.
Thank you, Mr Gentleman. - You're welcome.
We're throwing a party in our flat on Saturday.
Are you coming too?
Yes, I'd love to. - Thanks for walking me home.
Would you like some more too, Miss Siiskind?
No, thank you, but it's really very good.
And?
Oh yes, please.
More. - You're welcome.
So, Motti, how was Israel?
Do you know Tel Aviv? - No.
But now we're all here having a nice time together. Eat, eat!
Es gibt nachher Lokschenkugeln. There's your favourite pudding.
Ihre Mame sagt, dass Sie das mogen. Your Mame told me that you like it so much.
When are you coming?
Als ich mit Motti schwanger war, When I was pregnant with Motti
ass ich standig Lokschenkugeln. I was eating it all the time.
Weisst du noch, Tatele? Do you remember, Tatele?
Pardon me.
And how is it at the old folks' home, Miss Siiskind?
Stressful, but the work's beautiful.
Once you have children it'll be at least as hard!
Yes, Nico?
Weg mit dem Telefon, Motti! Put away that phone Motti!
Es ist noch Schabbat! It's still shabbat!
Oh, I completely forgot. No, no.
No, no.
- Of course I will not let you down. - Happy shabbes, pisser!
1 have to bring Nico my notes. It's for our paper.
Bist du verriickt geworden? Are you crazy?
Du kannst nicht weg, wir haben Besuch. You can't leave now. We have guests!
I can't let him down. - Whom can't you let down?
Nico. Our deadline is on Monday.
Sit down Motti, stay here!
Motti, komm sofort zuriick! Motti, come back!
Wieso ziehst du dich um? Why are you changing your clothes?
Und fiir wen sind die Blumen? And who are the flowers for?
Fur Nico? Are they for Nico?
Yes.
Bist du... schwul? Motti! Are you gay? a faygele?
Jetzt verstehe ich! Now I understand!
Die Blumen, die farbigen Klamotten, Nico... The flowers, colourful clothes, and Nico...
Jetzt ergibt alles Sinn! Now everything makes sense!
Mein Sohn ist schwul. My son is a faygele.
Du meine Giite! Good heavens!
Moische! Moische! Moische! Hilfe! Moishe! Moishe! Moishe help!
Was ist diesmal los? What's happened this time?
Schwul! Motti ist SCHWUL! A faygele! Motti is a FAYGELE!
Die Klamotten, die Blumen, Nico! The clothes, the flowers, Nico!
Moische! Motti ist schwul! Moishe! Motti is a faygele!
Here. - Flowers! Thank you very much!
This is so sweet!
Frost flowers!
How are you? - Fine.
You live here? - What?
You live here? - Yes! I'll show you around.
Yes. - Come.
Do you like it? - Yes.
Oh, look...
Watch out!
Do you want to try?
Someone seems to really miss you.
My Mame.
She's called 18 times already. I didn't tell her I was going to stay out all night.
What's the time? - Half past eleven.
I promised my parents to go to the synagogue with them.
Are they still letting you in?
1 have to go. - Okay.
Should I come with you?
I don't know if that's a good idea...
I'm happy to do this for you. Really.
Yes... I'd like that.
Is there anything I need to know? Rules of behaviour?
Do you happen to have a Jewish grandmother?
Ich hab mir Sorgen gemacht! Komm her! Ah! ll was so worried. Come here!
Mame, Laura.
Laura, Mame.
Good morning, Mrs Wolkenbruch.
Good morning.
- How did you meet my Motti? - We're studying together.
He's even taught me a bit of Yiddish.
The slogan of your company.
You never know... - ...what's gonna happen?
Das weiss man wirklich nie. You really never know.
- Did you understand this? - Yes. You really never know?
Gut. Wir gehen jetzt in die Shul. Now! Let's go to the shul.
We have to go to the synagogue.
Excuse us please.
That was quite okay, wasn't it?
Yes, I think so. Thank you very much.
See you soon, Mr Gentleman. - See you soon.
A shiksa? Motti!
No, Laura.
Hast du bei ihr geschlafen? Did you sleep at her place?
Warum? Ist keine Tram mehr gefahren? Why? Weren't there any busses anymore?
Du hattest ein Taxi nehmen kénnen. You could have taken a taxi!
Ich wollte aber kein Taxi nehmen. 1 didn't want to take a taxi!
Wichtig ist, dass du gesund heimgekommen bist. The important thing is that you got home safe.
Das ist nicht die Hauptsache! Wichtig ist, That's not the point! The point is
dass man nicht bei Schicksen schlaft! that you don't stay over at shiksas'.
Ich wollte aber. But I wanted to!
Was? Hast du den Verstand verloren? What? Are you out of your mind?
Hast du gehort? Er ist total verriickt geworden! Did you hear that? Motti's gone completely mad!
Ich hab's gehort. Ich steh ja neben dir. I've heard it! I'm standing right next to you!
Uns gibt es schon so lange, We've been here for so long
und du zerstorst alles! and you're ruining everything!
Du bist der Morder des Judentums. You're the murderer of Jewishness!
Es gibt noch genug Menschen wie dich. There are still enough people like you!
Jetzt bist du zu weit gegangen! Now you've gone too far!
Ohrfeigen sollte man dich. Ohrfeigen! You should be whipped. Whipped!
Was willst du von mir? What do you want from me?
Was? Ich bin kein Kind mehr! What? I'm not a child anymore!
Leider bist du kein Kind mehr! Too bad you're not a child anymore.
Du warst mal so ein guter Junge! You were such a good boy!
Jetzt bist du Abschaum! Ein streunender Hund! But now you're scum! A stray dog!
Ich will ein eigenes Leben. Mein eigenes Leben! I want to have my own life! My own life!
Ich will selbst entscheiden, was gut ist fur mich! 1l want to decide for myself what's good for me!
Ach so, ein eigenes Leben? Really?! Your own life?
Das kannst du haben! You can have your own life!
Du bist eine Schande fur die Famiilie! You are a disgrace for the family!
Geh doch zu deiner Schickse! So go to your shiksal!
Crass! And everything because of me?
Yeah. Well, not only because of you. But ... Yes.
Not so liberal after all.
I'm sorry.
And now?
What's wrong?
1 think this is all a bit too much for me.
What? What's too much for you?
I'm sorry.
It has nothing to do with you.
I really like you.
But I don't think I'm ready for a relationship,
And you probably aren't neither.
You can stay here tonight...
if you want to.
I'd... I'd rather leave.
Es tut mir leid... I'm so sorry...
Was schaust du? What are you looking at?
Any good advice you could give me?
Eine kleine Ejze? A little eytse?
Yes?
How are you?
Okay.
Where are you?
In einem Hotel. In a hotel.
Hor zu. Die Mame hat ein wenig liberreagiert. Listen, Mame overreacted a bit.
Sie erzdhlt schon allen, du seist gestorben. She's telling everyone that you"re dead.
Aber du weisst ja, wie sie ist. But you know how she is.
Sie bedauert alles sehr. She is really very sorry.
Sie will... Ich soll dir sagen... She wants that... I should tell you
du sollst morgen zum Essen kommen. you should come to dinner tomorrow.
Dann reden wir uiber alles, was geschehen ist. Then we can talk about what's happened.
Ja. Ja, Tate, ich komme. Yes, yes, Tate, I'll come.
Gut. Gut. Good, good.
Und du sollst Frau Silberzweig besuchen. And you should visit Mrs Silberzweig.
Es geht ihr gar nicht gut. - Ja. She's not well at all. - Yes.
Moische? Moishe?
Bis morgen, Mordechai. See you tomorrow, Mordechai.
Ja, gut. Gut. Yes, good. Good.
He's not dead at all.
No.
How are you? - Fine.
Well, at least nobody thinks that you're a faygele anymore.
Yes, fortunately.
And what are you doing here?
We're having a shidduch. We've got you to thank for this.
Well then, mazel tov! - Thank you.
Mal schauen, wie viel Gliick wir haben. Let's see, how much mazel (luck) I have.
I'll leave you then...
- All the best, Motti. - Thank you, take care.
Yes, take care.
- Good morning? - Good morning, my name is Wolkenbruch.
I'm here to see Mrs Silberzweigq.
Mr Wolkenbruch.
Good morning, Mrs Silberzweig.
Do you have a cigarette?
No, Mrs Silberzweig, I don't smoke.
There's a vase over there.
Let's see who's going to wilt first. Them or me.
Here.
I've got something for you.
Mrs Silberzweig...
Please. I already know my future.
- 1 can't accept this. - Don't talk rubbish.
Take them.
Thank you very much.
What was it
that came to an end? Besides me.
What do you mean?
The coffin, the one we saw on your last visit.
Something's coming to an end.
What was it?
Everything basically.
Very good.
Why?
Now you have room!
Room for what?
For everything.
Wolkenbruch...
Man weiss nie, was geschehen wird. No one knows what's gonna happen
Motti kommt! Motti's coming!
Guten Tag, Judith. - Wo ist die Hochzeit? Shalom aleichem, Judith. - Where is the wedding?
Guten Tag. Hast du's ihnen nicht gesagt? Shalom aleichem. Haven't you told them?
O mein Gott! My goodness!
Mrs Wolkenbruch! Can you hear me?
Do you have any pain?
Gib mir endlich ein Gift! Oh, give me a poison at last!